Hi guys,
I came across a piece I wrote maybe 5 years ago about realizing how negative I was and my aha moment. As you read it, I hope it will help you as it did me. Reading it again helped me to see how far I had come from being that negative person to a more positive one. Maybe you struggle with negativity, and you don't know what to do about it. This may become an aha moment for you too; the catalyst that brings about lasting change. Happy reading!
A few years ago, I was reflecting on a verse in the Bible that had to do with not allowing bitterness to consume you. I came to realize that negative emotions, if prolonged without being addressed, lead to bitterness and I started thinking about my own challenges with negative emotions leading to becoming negative. This came up because a few years ago I went country line dancing, and during the free lesson I found myself getting out there and trying the steps...very awkwardly and a lot of negative thoughts were in my head and some coming out of my mouth.
Upon first entering the dance hall in a country bar, where at the time I was sober, I looked around and thought to myself, I stick out in this place and I'm wondering if anyone is going to come up to me and say "are you lost? I'm not so sure you belong here?" What I'm referring to is that I'm a minority and it was evident in that place. I automatically thought, getting out on the dance floor, if I need help with the steps are people going to be friendly or look at me like "go back where you came from" or "go find a club that's for 'your people'". I was amazed at how those thoughts were so prevalent for me.
At first it made me sad that I was thinking so negatively, but I decided I was going to enjoy myself, learn the steps and have some fun. And go figure, I did! By the end of the last song, I learned the steps enough to not look like an idiot and I was smiling! I had an older guy come up to me and ask me to dance. I told him I would embarrass him and myself if I got out there, because I don't know how to do couple's dances. His response was "if you got out there with me, I would be the envy of the whole room!" Wow! not what I expected to hear and at that moment I felt more accepted, despite the race difference.
I think I'm always apprehensive at first, when I'm walking into a new circle and it's not my element. And I tend to be more negative because I'm realizing it was always my protective mechanism growing up and into adulthood. I always thought of the worst case scenario and lived from that place. It's not the best, because it makes it easier to stay in a state of negativity, expecting bad things to happen and people to always disappoint you or reject you. I know I've lived from that place because of having experienced abandonment so early in my life. To experience such a negative event in my life, so early on, set a certain wiring pattern in my brain for survival, protecting my heart, choosing to never need anyone, so that if they ever did leave, it would be no skin off my back. But, that keeps me in a negative frame of mind and increases anxiety and now I'm finding it increases my hypersensitivity. I feel I have to be "on" all the time, on the lookout for when something is going to blow up in my face.
But, that is no way to live. Yes, I have experienced a lot of negative things in my life and in the last 8 years some of the events have been completely heart-breaking. However I have come to decide that having a negative frame of mind is not serving me well at all. That frame of mind escalated my last manic episode, and the fear grew to such a degree that I got the police involved, when maybe if I had just confronted the situation, it could have been prevented and maybe I would not have been separated from my daughter for a few years.
But, the “maybe's” are pointless, because it only leaves me in a state of blaming and bargaining in a way that is impossible, because I can't go back to that moment. I can only live from right now and learn from what happened, make changes on a foundational level and walk those out. Right now, I am choosing to stay positive and to allow myself to be proactive about making changes. And I see, as I'm having this breakthrough moment, that it's coming from understanding what has been happening, the cycle that has driven me since childhood, and choose to reject it. Once I accept that it's not working for me anymore, I can actually reject it and say, you're fired!
And I choose that now..."negativity, you're fired. You no longer serve my life in any positive capacity, so I'm kicking you out of my life. Get your baggage and go! Every unrealistic expectation that comes from trying to prepare for crisis that may never happen, is finished functioning in my brain. I'm through with it and I choose to let that unhealthy seemingly protective, but actually destructive mechanism go. I choose to be free because I can and I will walk with a positive outlook and expect good things to happen now instead of bad things. I will look for the open doors instead of see every dark place in the house. And I will be patiently optimistic in every way that I can. I choose to catch myself every time negativity attempts to creep back in and I will remind it that it's fired and there's no chance of being re-hired, not even part-time. I will pray and ask for God's grace to remain positive, to trust that He has good things for me and that His favor in my life is growing and will continue.
So, how's that for turning negativity on its head and kicking it to the curb. I like this new feeling of freedom and the word I'm searching for is EMPOWERMENT!
I hope you find your moment of empowerment today as I have found mine!
I came across a piece I wrote maybe 5 years ago about realizing how negative I was and my aha moment. As you read it, I hope it will help you as it did me. Reading it again helped me to see how far I had come from being that negative person to a more positive one. Maybe you struggle with negativity, and you don't know what to do about it. This may become an aha moment for you too; the catalyst that brings about lasting change. Happy reading!
A few years ago, I was reflecting on a verse in the Bible that had to do with not allowing bitterness to consume you. I came to realize that negative emotions, if prolonged without being addressed, lead to bitterness and I started thinking about my own challenges with negative emotions leading to becoming negative. This came up because a few years ago I went country line dancing, and during the free lesson I found myself getting out there and trying the steps...very awkwardly and a lot of negative thoughts were in my head and some coming out of my mouth.
Upon first entering the dance hall in a country bar, where at the time I was sober, I looked around and thought to myself, I stick out in this place and I'm wondering if anyone is going to come up to me and say "are you lost? I'm not so sure you belong here?" What I'm referring to is that I'm a minority and it was evident in that place. I automatically thought, getting out on the dance floor, if I need help with the steps are people going to be friendly or look at me like "go back where you came from" or "go find a club that's for 'your people'". I was amazed at how those thoughts were so prevalent for me.
At first it made me sad that I was thinking so negatively, but I decided I was going to enjoy myself, learn the steps and have some fun. And go figure, I did! By the end of the last song, I learned the steps enough to not look like an idiot and I was smiling! I had an older guy come up to me and ask me to dance. I told him I would embarrass him and myself if I got out there, because I don't know how to do couple's dances. His response was "if you got out there with me, I would be the envy of the whole room!" Wow! not what I expected to hear and at that moment I felt more accepted, despite the race difference.
I think I'm always apprehensive at first, when I'm walking into a new circle and it's not my element. And I tend to be more negative because I'm realizing it was always my protective mechanism growing up and into adulthood. I always thought of the worst case scenario and lived from that place. It's not the best, because it makes it easier to stay in a state of negativity, expecting bad things to happen and people to always disappoint you or reject you. I know I've lived from that place because of having experienced abandonment so early in my life. To experience such a negative event in my life, so early on, set a certain wiring pattern in my brain for survival, protecting my heart, choosing to never need anyone, so that if they ever did leave, it would be no skin off my back. But, that keeps me in a negative frame of mind and increases anxiety and now I'm finding it increases my hypersensitivity. I feel I have to be "on" all the time, on the lookout for when something is going to blow up in my face.
But, that is no way to live. Yes, I have experienced a lot of negative things in my life and in the last 8 years some of the events have been completely heart-breaking. However I have come to decide that having a negative frame of mind is not serving me well at all. That frame of mind escalated my last manic episode, and the fear grew to such a degree that I got the police involved, when maybe if I had just confronted the situation, it could have been prevented and maybe I would not have been separated from my daughter for a few years.
But, the “maybe's” are pointless, because it only leaves me in a state of blaming and bargaining in a way that is impossible, because I can't go back to that moment. I can only live from right now and learn from what happened, make changes on a foundational level and walk those out. Right now, I am choosing to stay positive and to allow myself to be proactive about making changes. And I see, as I'm having this breakthrough moment, that it's coming from understanding what has been happening, the cycle that has driven me since childhood, and choose to reject it. Once I accept that it's not working for me anymore, I can actually reject it and say, you're fired!
And I choose that now..."negativity, you're fired. You no longer serve my life in any positive capacity, so I'm kicking you out of my life. Get your baggage and go! Every unrealistic expectation that comes from trying to prepare for crisis that may never happen, is finished functioning in my brain. I'm through with it and I choose to let that unhealthy seemingly protective, but actually destructive mechanism go. I choose to be free because I can and I will walk with a positive outlook and expect good things to happen now instead of bad things. I will look for the open doors instead of see every dark place in the house. And I will be patiently optimistic in every way that I can. I choose to catch myself every time negativity attempts to creep back in and I will remind it that it's fired and there's no chance of being re-hired, not even part-time. I will pray and ask for God's grace to remain positive, to trust that He has good things for me and that His favor in my life is growing and will continue.
So, how's that for turning negativity on its head and kicking it to the curb. I like this new feeling of freedom and the word I'm searching for is EMPOWERMENT!
I hope you find your moment of empowerment today as I have found mine!
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